To quote Salvador Munichin, a doyen in the field of psychiatry: “In all cultures, the family imprints its members with selfhood. Human experience of identity has two elements: a sense of belonging and a sense of being separate. The laboratory in which these ingredients are mixed and dispensed is the family, the matrix of identity.” What a strikingly straightforward yet profoundly deep statement!
What is self? What is family? Are they exclusive to begin with?
Family is not just a connection of blood; it’s a tapestry woven with the threads of love, support, and understanding. In the journey of self-discovery, our roots in family provide both a foundation and wings to explore the depths of who we are. As any individual, be it man or woman, spread his/her wings and ascend toward the zenith, they seek a place to land, a sanctuary called home, where they can anchor and connect in the journey of life. Yet, why is it that only women are confronted with these decisions of choosing between this haven or soaring on higher? Are we attempting to pressure them into ‘making a choice’?
The family provides a platform for the delicate balance of two forces – the force of togetherness within the unit, while retaining the force of ‘self’ or individuality. A family ecosystem nurtures the basic ‘self’ a person is born with and based on his/her relationships within the family during his childhood, the ‘self’ is moulded further and takes a finite shape. Again, I would like to reiterate that this is not exclusive for either gender – every person, be it man or woman, stands by the same definition.
Having highlighted the indistinguishable nature of family and self, let us now focus on choices. The choice between prioritizing oneself over family or vice versa is a perennial dilemma that individuals, especially women, grapple throughout their lives. Striking a balance is akin to walking a tightrope – a balance that should consider not just personal goals but familial responsibilities and societal expectations. Given this fact, the debate surrounding whether self should take precedence over family, or the other way round is complex and multifaceted. It is a decision that requires a fair bit of introspection and understanding of one’s values, aspirations and the dynamics of the family and society, in other words – there is no one-size-fits-all solution.
Advocates for self-rights may argue that women, like anyone else, have the right to pursue their passions, ambitions, and individual growth without being unduly burdened by conventional gender roles or societal expectations. Such a mindset would lead to increased self-confidence, a sense of achievement, and a more profound understanding of one’s identity beyond familial roles. In addition, women who invest in their personal development often contribute more positively to their families. A fulfilled and self-assured woman may serve as a role model, inspiring those around her to pursue their dreams and aspirations, fostering an environment of encouragement and empowerment within the family.
On the other side of the debate, one could argue that familial bonds and responsibilities are foundational to the fabric of society. We could contend that women, historically designated as caregivers, play a crucial role in maintaining the cohesion and well-being of the family unit. Prioritizing family over self is seen as a commitment to the collective welfare, nurturing strong intergenerational relationships and fostering a sense of security and stability. Gender-defined roles where the male is the provider, and the female is expected to be the nurturing caregiver and home maker has engrained this mindset in our society. They argue that the joy derived from nurturing and supporting family members can be profound and enduring, offering a sense of purpose and fulfillment that goes beyond personal achievements.
Have we not seen our grandparents and may be even our parents, work in alignment with this? Women, even if they work, are ‘ok’ to do so as long as the job does not ‘affect’ their responsibilities at home. They are free to soar as much as they want to, but never to compromise on their family. I see that among my colleagues, friends, even to the extent that they get advised on taking jobs where they can reach home by early evening to take care of the needs of the family?
Did Indra Nooyi, Kiran Majumdar Shaw, Sowmya Swaminathan, Sudha Murthy or any among the long list of women leaders do the same? Or did they not have a family? Neither! What made the difference then? A supportive family ecosystem where there was no ‘self’ and gender defined roles!! Behind every successful woman, there definitely is a family who supported her, her ideals, and also contributed to the functioning of the family than ‘leeching’ off her while they pursued what they had to!
A middle path needs to thus be taken. The dichotomy between self and family is not necessarily an either-or scenario. Women, like men, can pursue personal goals and aspirations while still honouring their roles within the family. Striking this balance may involve effective time management, open communication within the family, and a supportive societal infrastructure that values and facilitates both personal and familial growth.
A ray of hope prevails, for even within our organisation we find immense support given to women who are treated on par with the men, and they effortlessly handle multiple roles with ease. It may not have been possible without a supportive family at home and a nourishing ecosystem even at the workplace.
To conclude, I would say that the question of whether women should prioritize self over family or family over self is deeply personal and contingent on individual circumstances, values, and aspirations. There is no right or wrong answer, and each woman must navigate this intricate terrain based on her unique life context. This decision is no doubt complicated by the defined gender roles and expectations of the family and the dynamic society. What is of paramount importance, is fostering an environment that encourages women to make choices aligned with their authentic selves, whether those entails pursuing personal ambitions, prioritizing family, or finding a delicate balance between the two.
In the evolving narrative of the modern woman, a future awaits where Subramaniam Bharati’s ‘Pudumai Penn’ gracefully walks the tightrope of life, seamlessly integrating self and family without the need for a definitive choice, embodying a harmonious and successful balance. Towards this era, let us march – male and female together, being each other’s support and strength!!!